Monday, August 25, 2008

Just like dad

Yup on a roll!!
Going back to the thing I just wrote about..... people coming back into our lives.... the past weekend I found myself going back to my hometown. This is a bit of a big deal because I never do except to work once a year at a slo pitch tourney.
It used to be a weekly or bi weekly ritual to go visit my mom...and dad too i guess... but once she passed away I had no desire to go.
when mom passed it put a sort of closure on somethings, knew i would not(or thought) i would never run into the infamous "X" (weird feeling actually.) also not to have that home to go to anymore.

....sorry so off where i was going with can you tell i am ADD!! lol

Throughout our school lives(I'm sure everyone is similar) we have so many different friends...some we never see or care to see again, some are drawn back into our lives when we seem to need it most.

Several months ago through a twist of events and a co-relationship between people we know an old GF contacted me to let me know some information that would help me out.
Anyways this started our friendship again. It is so amazing to me how you can have those friends who you can literally be apart from for years and just take right back up again.To be welcomed into their homes and it feels like home.
So much that you take a little piece of it with you.
This little piece is called Hazel.
A little ball of black fur with razor sharp claws that V has been introduced to a thousand times. Why she can't leave the poor thing alone I just don't get!
I have to laugh at myself because....unlike my mom who sort of liked animals ,tolerated them for dad was the animal fanatic....we never had a house without a dog and at least one cat.
The LAST thing I wanted was another dam cat...but when you have two sets of eyes(c's and kitties) I am a softy, a sucker and we got another cat.
I'm weak at heart....JUST like my dad :)

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Almost found

wow...I have fallen so behind on the blog posts....
I can not believe the summer has flown by so quickly.
I was trying to figure out where to write about things...this blog or my neg only blog...not that I plan on venting or complaining...just coming out a little I guess.
I have been lost the past two months...not physically of course, but mentally, emotionally.
Sometimes it is hard to find a balance in my life....things happen that thow me into oblivion... into kaos.....and its hard to see the light for a bit.
I am not sure I have discovered the answers to things yet....but one thing that always seems to happen to me when I am lost ... a certain friend comes back into my life, a very spiritual friend and opens my eyes up more to god each time encouraging me to open my heart again.
I am embarrassed to say I have pushed god out of my life almost completely..several reasons....hurt, poor self worth, an atheist husband and the loss of my mom. Not that I ever blame God for wanting her back with him, but the situation just made me push away. I always felt like a hypocrite being a Christan. I am so far from perfect, I know I have done many wrong things and don't feel right asking for forgiveness if I know I may screw up again.
Today that friend sent me an e-mail about a womens bible study group.....haven't yet decided on attending yet...yet I can't help but think when we need answers, hope,love and support, things are sent our way, need to listen carefully sometimes ...but its there.

I have been working for months on my physical self as well.... from my last post I am down a total of 47 lbs my goal...I feel pretty good as long as I don't look at pictures of my self.....very damaging to self esteem...the wrong angle...and wham I appear as a whale in my eyes....the effects of age and childbirth scream at me...eeesh
Not sure if I am done now...with loosing...really need to hit the gym and see what I can fix..... so wish I had extra $$ just go get it fixed.... but that is not an option right now. Funny what we see and what others seem to see. Sometimes I wonder if its good or bad.....sometimes change brings bad attention...attention I am not seeking. Funny how some of that bad attention makes you appreciate a little more of what we do have, eventhough not perfect better then what I saw on the weekend! lol

well short catch much more to tired right now and need to get these tired eyes to bed :)