Sunday, August 24, 2008

Almost found

wow...I have fallen so behind on the blog posts....
I can not believe the summer has flown by so quickly.
I was trying to figure out where to write about things...this blog or my neg only blog...not that I plan on venting or complaining...just coming out a little I guess.
I have been lost the past two months...not physically of course, but mentally, emotionally.
Sometimes it is hard to find a balance in my life....things happen that thow me into oblivion... into kaos.....and its hard to see the light for a bit.
I am not sure I have discovered the answers to things yet....but one thing that always seems to happen to me when I am lost ... a certain friend comes back into my life, a very spiritual friend and opens my eyes up more to god each time encouraging me to open my heart again.
I am embarrassed to say I have pushed god out of my life almost completely..several reasons....hurt, poor self worth, an atheist husband and the loss of my mom. Not that I ever blame God for wanting her back with him, but the situation just made me push away. I always felt like a hypocrite being a Christan. I am so far from perfect, I know I have done many wrong things and don't feel right asking for forgiveness if I know I may screw up again.
Today that friend sent me an e-mail about a womens bible study group.....haven't yet decided on attending yet...yet I can't help but think when we need answers, hope,love and support, things are sent our way, need to listen carefully sometimes ...but its there.

I have been working for months on my physical self as well.... from my last post I am down a total of 47 lbs my goal...I feel pretty good as long as I don't look at pictures of my self.....very damaging to self esteem...the wrong angle...and wham I appear as a whale in my eyes....the effects of age and childbirth scream at me...eeesh
Not sure if I am done now...with loosing...really need to hit the gym and see what I can fix..... so wish I had extra $$ just go get it fixed.... but that is not an option right now. Funny what we see and what others seem to see. Sometimes I wonder if its good or bad.....sometimes change brings bad attention...attention I am not seeking. Funny how some of that bad attention makes you appreciate a little more of what we do have, eventhough not perfect better then what I saw on the weekend! lol

well short catch much more to tired right now and need to get these tired eyes to bed :)

1 comment:

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Oh Yvonne, my heart has been aching for you for months. I am so glad that you have a friend like that.
You know, God's arms are always open to us. He doesn't expect or want us to be a certain way, achieve a state of near perfection or anything else before we come to him. He wants us to take all of our crap, bring it to him and then just leave it with him.
He wants us to let him do the work, all we have to do is let go. Which is , of course, easier said than done.
Being a Christian does not mean that we don't screw up, or that we are worthy in any way. It means that we come to God and give our hearts to him and let him move in our hearts and lives. Let him dig out all of the crap. Let him wrap us in his big strong arms, hold us up and offer us comfort and love.
You are in my heart and prayers. Always.