wow...I have fallen so behind on the blog posts....
I can not believe the summer has flown by so quickly.
I was trying to figure out where to write about things...this blog or my neg only blog...not that I plan on venting or complaining...just coming out a little I guess.
I have been lost the past two months...not physically of course, but mentally, emotionally.
Sometimes it is hard to find a balance in my life....things happen that thow me into oblivion... into kaos.....and its hard to see the light for a bit.
I am not sure I have discovered the answers to things yet....but one thing that always seems to happen to me when I am lost ... a certain friend comes back into my life, a very spiritual friend and opens my eyes up more to god each time encouraging me to open my heart again.
I am embarrassed to say I have pushed god out of my life almost completely..several reasons....hurt, poor self worth, an atheist husband and the loss of my mom. Not that I ever blame God for wanting her back with him, but the situation just made me push away. I always felt like a hypocrite being a Christan. I am so far from perfect, I know I have done many wrong things and don't feel right asking for forgiveness if I know I may screw up again.
Today that friend sent me an e-mail about a womens bible study group.....haven't yet decided on attending yet...yet I can't help but think when we need answers, hope,love and support, things are sent our way, need to listen carefully sometimes ...but its there.
I have been working for months on my physical self as well.... from my last post I am down a total of 47 lbs my goal...I feel pretty good as long as I don't look at pictures of my self.....very damaging to self esteem...the wrong angle...and wham I appear as a whale in my eyes....the effects of age and childbirth scream at me...eeesh
Not sure if I am done now...with loosing...really need to hit the gym and see what I can fix..... so wish I had extra $$ just go get it fixed.... but that is not an option right now. Funny what we see and what others seem to see. Sometimes I wonder if its good or bad.....sometimes change brings bad attention...attention I am not seeking. Funny how some of that bad attention makes you appreciate a little more of what we do have, eventhough not perfect better then what I saw on the weekend! lol
well short catch up....so much more to come....so tired right now and need to get these tired eyes to bed :)